Relapse.

This is it. Fuck recovery.
I hate going to the damn hospital every fortnight.
Having them weigh me and judge me and my life, asking personal questions and random things I don''t think they even need to know.
She hasn't given me a food plan. I was so out of control, even today. I just binge like hell. 666. The devil makes me eat.
I am through with that.
If I am being monitored like im sick I mayaswell make myself 'sick'. Nice pun.
I may aswell loose some weight. To hell with this normal shit.
to hell with maintenance.

I spent this evening watching videos of Hannah and Melissa from Hollyoaks 07. The recent Hollyoaks storyline of Anita pretending to have an ED to get Hannahs attention makes my skin crawl so i went looking for hannahs original story. I never saw the whole thing. I didnt have ED at that point, wasn't that interested. Maybe it unconciously had an effect on me, who knows. I havent done my psychology essay on nature nuture debate , on crimal psychology not ED related, and thats why im here in bed while my mum who is sick lays up stairs, thinking I also am sick. If I am 'sick' tomorrow I don't have to do my essay tonight. I don't have to eat tommorow. Less cals burnt but none taken in so its still a loss. Teaches me sellf control against binges.
Missing school and saying fuck off to homework for me, a concioencious perfectionist and hardworker just goes to show how occupied I am.
How I am slipping in deeper again. Saying goodbye to recovery; hello ribcage.
I think now theres no escape, and I have never felt more alive!
Or safe. I no longer feel so alone.
Its like finding my best friend again.
And I love it.